A Special Day

Lovely day to all mothers,

Happy Mothers Day! I send you best wishes for a loving, pampering and relaxing day. You earned it.Sit back, enjoy those chocolates, take a long bubble bath and tune the world out.Today, the laundry will do itself, dinner can be nuked without guilt and the house will survive the hurricane damage of children. This is your special day.You are a nurturer, nurse, counselor,best friend, cook, seamstress and your love makes the world go round.Rejoice in the wonderful creature you are.

Sincerely,

~breath{MS}~ aka ~hoovsies~

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"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." -- Jewish proverb

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother." -- Lin Yutang

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." -- Honore' de Balzac (1799-1850)

"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her." -- George Washington (1732-1799)

"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class." -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1907- )

"The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom." -- Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." --Author Unknown

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

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My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ..."Just wait until your father gets home."My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ..."You are going to get it when we get home!"My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"My Mother taught me LOGIC ..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."My Mother taught me ESP ..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"My Mother taught me HUMOR ..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."My Mother taught me about SEX ..."How do you think you got here?"My Mother taught me about GENETICS ..."You're just like your father."My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

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Womanhood

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or> > sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more(or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch hubby square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

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Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of
"Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a
functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that
drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go
ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back.
I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from
the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be
females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only
activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no
apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a
friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene
products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from
elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for
survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already
purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a
girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or
bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap
in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it
blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing
your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store
microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the
store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and
shove them right up your ass.
PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to
your packages instead?

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~Happy Mothers Day!~