Have you ever been hit with the realization that an answer to a problem you face has been right in front of your eyes, the entire time? Well, that happened to me three days ago and I have been marked by it, both positively and negatively.
I have sat stewing over a particular intense problem for months. Constantly working it through my mind for solutions.My mind never ceasing to find the one answer to the dilemma.I always consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent, insightful and growth oriented person. Still, the problem persisted becoming increasingly more chaotic and emotional. The answer that I knew would be simple was ever evasive to me no matter what tactics I took to uncover it. I became an emotional wreck due to this problem and it permeated everything in my world. I knew this frenzy had to stop or face the dire consequences of it, become consumed by it utterly. I had to find a way!
Then, out of nowhere in an unrelated conversation with my beloved Seeker it hit me like a ton of bricks! The answer! The epiphany! I realized with stark horror that the problem was one that was easily solved yet my emotions controlled me and made me blind to solving it. The problem was mine and mine alone, forged from my past and allowed to continue stampeeding through my life by my ignorance to it.All I had to do...the answer...my refuge...my peace...was one small word. Tiny in letters but large and powerful in manner.....submit.
The answer was to submit this to my Seeker. To give him permission by submitting this pain to him. I was to strong in my quest to overcome the problem, too vain in what independence I still possessed. I failed to realize that the oasis lay right before me...my Seeker, my dominant, the one who owns me. The one who pledged with his ownership to take away my worries, keep me safe even from myself and to protect me at all costs. I had not given my permission for him to absolve me, to correct the flaw. I floundered for so long in my self imposed prison foolishly believing that since this problem was from my past that I had to fix it myself and not trifle him with it.In doing so, I allowed the love of my life to feel powerless and frustrated. He himself did not elude to the fact that all I had to do was surrender and submit. He wished me to learn this powerful lesson on my own in order for it to fully sink home within me. That even though I belong to him...I must submit in all ways, all things. Those ways and things change constantly and in order for my dominant to be all that he can be for himself and us, I have to submit each time something presents itself. Seeker feels that just because he owns me does not give him license to point out all of my problems and make me submit to him each time. That is MY job as his submissive, to submit my everything not his job to guide me like a child. I lost sight of that, became lost in my misery when the answer was this wonderful man who stands above me.Wanting nothing but my love and submission.
This awakening has had/having a major impact on my life at the present. Now that the answer has been revealed a maelstorm of emotions and thought courses through me. I have been unable to stop thinking on this since it occured. I have been assured by my Seeker that I am loved and absolved of this matter. For that I am eternally thankful and humbled. However upon reflection, within me...I am still learning this lesson. Rewinding it over and over again inside of me. I feel more guilt at this time in my life than I ever have. I feel as if I have betrayed the one person in this world who was designed to take away all things negative, to ease my pain and suffering. I betrayed him by not seeing the forrest through the trees. I betrayed him by being so utterly stubborn in my independence to find the answer that I overlooked him.In my zeal to maintain my strength and oath to fix problems in my world, I had forgotten that in his arms, heart and mind lies every paradise I could ever have dreamed. I am ashamed and humbled, awakened and enlightened and...more submissive now in my shame than I ever thought possible.
I am positive as this was the next step in my evolution. So simple this step, so achingly easy to attain yet I was blind to it. Yet, I have grown. For my Seeker and for myself. I am a better woman and submissive now through this lesson.I have become wiser and more steadfast in my resolve to be the best I can be for my Seeker. I am stronger, I am more vunerable and I am more feminine and quiet. Thank you my Seeker, for your love, devotion and your steadfast patience with your submissive. I love you with everything in my being.
I am negative still as I have much to resolve within myself. I have to live with my shame and ignorance, even if that ignorance was not purposeful.I must live with the idea that I let my dominant down by not giving him the one thing he needs to survive, my submission totally. I will learn from this mistake and be a better person for this. This will take time. No healing can occur over night and I will be diligent and patient with myself as I am forced to deal with this self created pain. Pain is a lesson in itself whether it be physical or emotional. I am learning that now in total.I will never stop learning.
My respite through this trial is knowing that our relationship is better and stronger for this. This has opened new avenues for us and bound us tighter together. So whether positive or negative depending on how you look at it...or both...we are more in love, more sincere to each other and more respectful of who we are as a couple now. So much work lies ahead but my heart beats steady and surely knowing that we will work as a couple and I look forward to the future with newly opened eyes and a re-energized spirit.
